It is 9:30 pm (your time, I don’t even want to think about what time it is here) and I can’t seem to sleep. While you all gain an hour from daylight savings tomorrow (which, by the way, is a week after Europe switches, which is confusing and led me to believe that I was just crazy for awhile) I do not, and I am unlikely to be a happy camper in the morning. In fact, I should probably shut off my computer now, because everyone knows that when you starts talking late at night/early in the morning, awkwardness is likely to ensue. However, I don’t think I am in the confession danger zone, and besides, I can’t think of any confessions that I might accidentally share with you, so I probably will be okay.
The past day and a half, I have really wanted to go home. No, that is incorrect; I haven’t wanted to go home, I have just wanted to be home. The fact that I really don’t feel like studying and taking my exams doesn’t help, but really it stems from yesterday evening, when I found out that a high school friend of mine had been killed in a car accident. We weren’t super close, but he grew up with some of my best friends in school, and I have known him for years. I know that many other people are feeling his loss more deeply, but I cared about him, and my heart is hurting. Ryan McCann was one of the smartest guys I knew, and I always joked that he could do better than I did in school without actually trying. In fact, as I tried to study for my zoo exam last night, I couldn’t help thinking that he could probably BS his way through the exam I was studying for and still score 4% higher than me… that was our norm in biology.
It’s just really hard, because he was a guy with so much potential… that is the word that keeps coming to mind over and over… potential, but not the time for it to come to fruition. I don’t understand God’s timing, and although I know He is good, and that God’s ways are beyond our ways, I can’t help but cry out “WHY???” with frustration at my lack of understanding, as well as a bit of anger and some guilt for time that I wasted. I both want to be God and thus call all the shots, while at the same time I feel like I have mishandled the things God has given to my control. I am really identifying with the part of Ezekiel 18:25 which says, “Yet you say, ‘The way of the Lord is not just.’ Hear, O house of Israel: Is my way unjust? Is it not your ways which are unjust?” I find myself in descriptions of Israel from time to time, usually in ways that aren’t very pretty… hypocritical and petulant come to mind right now.
There are just times in my life when I cry out to God “Comfort me!” but either I don’t trust that he will, or I won’t allow him to… I can’t figure out which at the moment, but it makes me wish for other forms of comfort (and by that I don’t mean the chocolate cake I ate this afternoon, but the comforts of homes and hugs and loved ones). It makes me ignore the beautiful, sunny day here and the time I have left, just looking forward to the time when I am back with the people I love and I can hold them close and keep them safe (I know it’s a delusion that I can actually keep them safe, but being able to touch them makes me feel better anyway).
I don’t know why you read this… if it is to keep up with my various experiences here, because you miss me, or just random curiosity, but while I have you temporarily, you have to listen to what I have to say: I love you. I do. God loves you so much more. Please don’t take my word for it—find out for yourself. I might not tell you this to your face often, because I want to respect your beliefs. But you cannot understand what you stand to lose unless you understand what you stand to gain. You have a lifetime to figure this out… but I don’t know how long that will be. And I love you. I care.
Rest in Peace, Ryan.
[sorry this is so delayed]
ReplyDeleteYou are such a wise woman of God, my dear. I feel so inspired and at the same time convicted of the same struggles that you have. I love you and the fact that we can share so much as sisters in Christ :)